Being perfectly honest I didn’t ever think I would have to write a follow up to the first little blog post but here we are. Since 2018 my mental health has still been massively up and down I’ve had a mix of amazing and horrible days but recently there’s been a lot more down days than I would have liked.
Starting from last summer my mental health problems came back very intensely but instead of dealing with them I just went out and abused alcohol constantly because I knew it was a temporary pain relief and it was the closest feeling to self-harm I could experience. During this time I was incredibly lonely and longing for something or someone in my life to come along and fix me.
After this I got into a relationship which went brilliantly at the start I could not have been happier it felt like everything was falling into place but shortly after my mental health tumbled down hill again. I was suffering with horrific panic attacks everyday and could no longer go out and do the things I enjoyed. I relied on someone else for safety and comfort which was the wrong move to make as the relationship broke down.
Shortly after I attempted to overdose as I just couldn’t see any point in living anymore, I found it impossible to look after myself I just didn’t know how to find any comfort or reassurance to aid the way i was feeling. This resulted in frantic screaming and vomiting crying to my parents saying I wanted to be dead whilst they had to hold me begging me to stay telling me everything would be fine eventually as long as I held on.
After a tearful trip to the doctors I begged for some kind of sleeping pills as I couldn’t sleep on my own without crying and descending into a panic attack. The doctor refused to give me them but decided to change my antidepressants and put me on a higher dosage of beta blockers. I can’t function without six propanalol a day or I completely lose it and even with this amount of beta blockers in my system I can’t leave the house myself unless I have my dog with me and I couldn’t possibly think about going near public places at this stage.
The hardest part of all has been the self harm relapse I experienced in January, I was and still am so disgusted with myself after it I can’t look at my own reflection in the mirror it feels like I’m staring at a complete stranger. I feel sick every time I look at or touch my scars and I’ve lost such a big amount of my confidence due to this. The self harm has since become an addiction again and I’m still struggling with it each day.
I’ve now been referred to a community psychiatric nurse as well as counsellor and I’m slowly trying to pick up tiny pieces and put myself back together. The last few months have been hell mentally and I just wanted to write this to show everyone that relapsing is normal and it can happen.
I can’t thank my family and friends enough for the support I’ve received. Moving forward I would love to learn how to enjoy my own company and fall completely in love with myself but before this becomes healing which will take a while but I’ll get there.
be here n0w 