For years I’ve always had a feeling of emptiness I have always been on the hunt for something that now I am not sure even exists. We as humans feel the need to be content and happy, after all from an early age we’ve been given a mental picture of what our lives should be like, but the reality is we come off the path set for us and for me this is exactly what’s happened. I have suffered with my mental health for several years now, experiencing crippling anxiety when I leave the house and not being able to get out of bed because I feel an infinite sadness aching in the pit of my stomach has become ‘normal’. I love writing about music and that’s still where my passion is, but I’d really like to talk about this subject in hopes that it can maybe help someone going through the same thing or something similar and I’m lucky enough to have my blog as a safe space to do so.
Trying to make people understand
Trying to explain how I feel to other people has been incredibly challenging and a large amount of people I have voiced my issues to haven’t understood and then I’m met with the question of “why do you feel this way?” and it’s hard to give an answer to because honestly, I don’t know why. For me it’s been infuriating not knowing why I feel so low because if I had a reason behind the issue maybe it would make people understand, also I wish I knew why because then I could attempt to fix the issue. My parents have come along way when it comes to understanding my poor mental health, I had crying fits over just going to the shop by myself because I knew there was a chance I would suffer a panic attack and for me panic attacks make me feel like the world is ending. To start with my mum and dad really didn’t understand why is was acting this way and would get frustrated with me which would always end up with heated arguments and fallouts that made me feel worse. Some friends I’ve had just didn’t get the concept of anxiety or depression at all and others understood it too well and knew how to use my weaknesses against me. Boys who I had previously never really understood how I felt and again I think that’s purely because I can’t provide a reason for it which is understandable. Thankfully I have a small circle of supportive friends who I can tell anything to. Not everyone is going to take mental health seriously because there is still a massive stigma that surrounds it slowly but surely, it’s breaking with more and more people willing to learn and understand.
Struggling with self-harm
Now this is something I’m reluctant to talk about because I don’t really speak about it to anyone and I try hard not to think about it. When I was around thirteen I started self-harming, I’m not sure exactly what triggered this to start with, but I’d turn to hurting myself whenever I’d be feeling low, for me it was a way of controlling pain because I couldn’t control the pain I was feeling mentally. Looking back, I know now I done this because I was struggling to cope massively with the way I felt, I had too many feelings and I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone anything because I was scared in case they thought I was going mad or something like that. I also remember hating the way I looked and physically not being able to look at myself in the mirror at the time and when I’d get annoyed with my appearance I would hurt myself. I’d also try to starve myself and vomit after eating anything as my weight severely disgusted me even though I was a healthy size 8. I’d have to hide any scars I had, and I specifically remember the burning sensation I would get putting clothes over them, eventually I stopped because the pain was too much to handle. I wish I knew at the time that self-harming was addictive before I started doing it, I feel like I wasn’t educated enough on this subject to know just how far it could go. After stopping I’ve had a few relapses when there’s been challenging days or if something specific has happened to upset me. Telling people was the worst part and the few people I’ve told have always looked at me with a disgusted expression on their faces and they’ve told me that they are “disappointed” or shocked that I could be that “stupid”. I think people’s reactions hurt more than the self-harm itself, people stopped looking at me the same way they used to and instead they seen me as a fragile object rather than a person with real feelings who was hurting.
Where am I now?
Right now, I’m good mentally compared to how I’ve felt previously. I still have days where I just want to lie in bed or I’m too anxious to do certain things, but in comparison to where I was a year and a half ago I’m in a positive place. It’s took me a lot of time to realise what matters and what doesn’t. Removing myself from toxic situations and deciding who I want to have in my life has really made up my personality. I enjoy going out now and I have a new spark of ambition and motivation to further my career. I’m not saying I’m better but I’m not worse.